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The thing about dating…

April 14, 2016

I’m often asked about what’s going on in my dating life as it’s something I don’t mention on here. Or anywhere. In fact, can we just stop asking this? If something was worth mentioning, I’d mention it. Not a lot is going on, to be honest, however, I just finished reading Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance and thought that it was a good opportunity to talk about the book and my personal thoughts on the subject of dating.

the thing about dating

Since becoming a parent, my expectations around dating have changed drastically. My standards are much higher and I’m way less tolerant of the games and BS and I know what I’m looking for without doubt. While I’m 100% happy with my little life with Liam, I’m definitely open and ready to finding someone to be my adult partner in crime too. I sometimes feel like I’m behind, being one of the few single people in my group of friends. It’s often left me wondering where I went wrong that I didn’t find someone sooner but I think I found some clarity on that while reading Aziz’s book.

Looking back in time, people married much younger than they are now, finding someone ‘good enough’ to begin their life of independence, away from their parents. Sure sometimes these relationships grew into lifelong love, but sometimes these people grew up into different people that just weren’t meant for each other and ended with divorce. These days, my generation is experiencing ‘early adulthood’, navigating post-secondary, starting careers and getting to know who we are before settling down. Knowing that, I don’t feel so bad being a little behind the rest of my friends. I spent my twenties going on some pretty cool adventures, meeting a ton of people, finding out who I am and what makes my soul happy, and best of all, becoming a mama. Sure I made some mistakes along the way and I may have missed the opportunity to date some great people during that time, but ultimately it led to Liam and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

Now the hard part is navigating the dating world as a single parent. I don’t think dating is easy at the best of times but it’s especially hard when you have a tiny human to consider, your time is limited, you don’t know where to meet people, and you’re dealing with guys who just can’t figure out how to act. Fellas, it really shouldn’t be that difficult to score yourself a date with a fantastic lady. There’s plenty of amazing, single girls out there and a seemingly low supply of quality single men. Set yourself apart from the other dufuses (dufi? I’m not sure what the plural is there).

  • Pick up the phone and ask me out. Yes, I mean like actually call and not text. No one actually makes phone calls anymore and I guarantee this extra effort will be exceptionally appreciated. Let’s just stop the text message conversation that lasts for weeks and go on that date.
  • Make a real plan, not just a ‘hangout’. I hang out with my friends, so unless that is your intention, plan an actual date. Find something unique to do!  The best date I’ve ever been on was setting off fireworks at a lake followed by drinks at a dive bar. It was so silly and simple but ended up being the most fun. And skip the dinner and a movie for the first date. You don’t get to talk to a person during a movie so save that for further down the road. The studies research for Modern Romance
    proves that people that do interesting and fun activities have longer, more fulfilling relationships. Make sense to me, I’m an adventurous lady and would love an adventurous sidekick! I’ve ended relationships in my previous life (read: before kid) because we never did anything but watch movies. No. Just no.
  • Be clear and honest with your intentions. Always. If you continually make plans to “hang out” and then I’m going to assume you’re just looking for a friendship and will, therefore, treat you as a friend. If you’re not feeling it after a couple dates, that’s cool but don’t ghost me. You will earn a lot more respect points if you’re just upfront about your feelings.

I mean, it’s pretty straightforward to me but man I have experienced some cringe-worthy things over the last couple years.  Don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of Tinder either.  And no this isn’t where I go on a feminist rant about how Tinder is so superficial, blah blah blah. What happens when you’re out at a lounge? You scan the crowd and see if anyone attractive catches your eye, right? What makes Tinder any different? I’m so skeptical of online dating because from my brief experiences (I get Tinder, I have fun for a day or two and then I end up deleting it a few weeks later), no one actually jumps at the chance to set up dates.  Modern Romance talked about dating apps being intended as ‘introducing services’ rather than ‘dating services’, because as much as I love social media, I don’t want my relationship to live on my phone. I want to find someone that I’m interested in meeting in real life and building a relationship in the real world. Doesn’t that just make sense?

The trend in this whole thing is that we’re just losing our common sense when it comes to dating. None of this should be difficult, yet here I am, group texting with my single lady friends about our dating woes, wondering why this is so damn difficult.

 

And now I leave you with the best quote from the entire book:

Have faith in people. A person may seem just okay, but if you really invest time in the relationship, maybe they’ll be greater than you assume.

Think about it in terms of the music of rapper Flo Rida. When you hear his latest song, at first you think, Goddam it, Flo Rida. You’re just doing the same thing again, song after song. This song is nothing special at all. And by the tenth time you hear it, you’re like, FLO!!! YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN! THIS IS A HIT, BABY!!!

In a sense we are all like a Flo Rida song: The more time you spend with us, the more you see how special we are. Social scientists refer to this as the Flo Rida Theory of Acquired Likability Through Repetition.

If you’re single or at all interested in the social exploration Aziz has done, I definitely recommend giving this book a read. If you’re a dude reading this, I especially recommend giving this book a read and stocking up on that common sense.

Have you read Modern Romance? What were your thoughts from the book?

Single? Dating? How’s it going for you?

Interested in taking me on a date? Let’s chat!

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25 Comments

  • Reply
    Jen @ Pretty Little Grub
    April 14, 2016 at 8:21 am

    I’ve honestly never really dated so I couldn’t even imagine the struggle it is. Plus I think in our technology world now it’s 100 times more complicated.

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 14, 2016 at 8:30 pm

      Consider yourself so lucky for not having to deal with the chaos!

  • Reply
    allison
    April 14, 2016 at 8:32 am

    I didn’t love this book – I am/was a sociology major so I did find the methodology and research interesting; but overall there isn’t much that stuck with me except for the “introduction services” theory of dating apps. People are so different away from a screen and unless you intend to be forever penpals then meet up. In public. No netflix. Heck, no movie. Actually talk to someone.

    I’m a firm believer, and not only because it was my path, that meeting your forever plus one later in your 20s/30s is a good thing. I look back and think if I stayed with the person I dated for 4 years in University I wouldn’t have done most of the things I’ve done or seen or traveled to. Would I have more company? Sure. Would I be as independent and I know I can buy an apartment on my own? No. I’m looking forward to meeting my lifetime plus one but more happy to do so knowing who I am and what I need from a man in my life. (it’s a big bank account and passion for international travel, obvs) 😉

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 14, 2016 at 8:30 pm

      AMEN SISTA! I so agree with you on both points there. 100%

      I thought a lot of the book was quite interesting but even moreso with Aziz’s humour injected into it.

  • Reply
    Kris @ Canadian Girl Runs
    April 14, 2016 at 8:42 am

    I love this honest post 🙂

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 14, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Thank you 🙂

  • Reply
    Ange @ Cowgirl Runs
    April 14, 2016 at 8:51 am

    Like Jen, I’ve never dated. I met my ex in highschool and now I’m thrown into this Tinder, Bumble, OKCupid BS and I hate it.

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 14, 2016 at 8:28 pm

      Right? It’s so lame. Where are the cute guys at coffee shops and grocery stores!

  • Reply
    Leigh
    April 14, 2016 at 9:20 am

    I haven’t dated in a long time and would have no clue how to if Brian and I were ever to break up. Just go to Mexico- that’s where I met Brian 😉 haha

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 14, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      HAHA, I’ll go book my plane ticket!

  • Reply
    Heather
    April 14, 2016 at 10:40 am

    I loved Modern Romance! Even as someone who has never really dated and (hopefully) won’t be dating in the future, I really enjoyed reading Aziz’s thoughts on the subject. Plus, he’s hilarious, so… I agree that doing something different and exciting is a way better way to get to know someone than a plain old dinner and a movie. I think that applies to getting to know new friends, too!

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 14, 2016 at 8:27 pm

      Yes I love the injection of Aziz’s humour. Especially because I basically read the entire book with his voice in my head.

  • Reply
    Brie @ A Slice of Brie
    April 14, 2016 at 2:27 pm

    I loved this post, Becky. Such honesty in it. I have no experience in this more modern dating scene, but I can only imagine it kind of sucks. I dated a bit before I met Jim and we got married, and I had one serious relationship under my belt. I didn’t date for the sake of dating though. I wish all the single guys out there could read this post, because I so agree – they need to get out from behind their phones and man up if they are serious about wanting to meet someone. I honestly believe though, that in focusing on yourself these past however many years and figuring out who you are and what you want, will ultimately attract the right guy. He’s out there, you just don’t know when or how you are going to meet him! And in the meantime, I will keep my eye out for you too 😉 xo

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 14, 2016 at 8:26 pm

      Hehe thanks friend.

      I think dating would actually be fun in say, a city like New York where there are so many people to meet. Sigh. When will life turn out like the movies lol.

  • Reply
    Jo @ Living Mint Green
    April 14, 2016 at 2:46 pm

    I feel you. I find meeting quality men and dating difficult enough WITHOUT kids, so I can only imagine how “extra frustrating” it must feel to be navigating the dating pool as a single parent.

    I’ve also noticed that I have no patience or tolerance for “boy men”. I should write a post about this, but in some ways, it seems like dudes (in the 28-32 age range) should be more mature but they’re not!

    I’m going to send you some screen shots of a convo right now. Hahaha

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 14, 2016 at 8:24 pm

      PLEASE write a post about “boy men”. I know it will be LOL worthy!

      I think that living in a smaller city makes it hard too and I’m sure you can relate. Apparently an hour, hour and a half, is too far to travel for a potentially great date!!

  • Reply
    Jodi
    April 14, 2016 at 8:35 pm

    Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I was 35 before I met someone who truly was worth my love and 38 before I got married….. But it was worth the wait! Boys will be intimidated by how truly awesome you are but the right man won’t be. ❤️

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 15, 2016 at 8:13 pm

      You’re the sweetest Jodi. Definitely not putting pressure on myself, I’m happy with my little Liam and know (or at the very least am strongly hoping), that my coffee shop prince charming will come along eventually. Sometimes I’m just impatient :p

  • Reply
    Jen @nutcaseinpoint
    April 15, 2016 at 2:18 am

    Dufi! Hahahaha yes, make that a word. I have some serious cringe-faces when I think back to all my online dating and blind dates. Imar the time I didn’t even know myself that we’ll let alone trying to meet new people! It was great for the free dinners though 😉 when I’m out (without Tyler) now, all I see are hipster rudies (let’s make THAT a word. They’re just all so rude!) and j can’t imagine trying to sift through all that garbage in hopes of finding a real person. But you will..and maybe when you least expect it. So cliche, I know, but I met Tyler at stampede so what does that tell ya.

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 15, 2016 at 8:15 pm

      Hahahaha hipster rudies. Love it. Yeahhh people just think because they’re mostly hiding behind their phones that they can be the worst versions of themselves. I don’t get it. I really do hope that organic connections are still possible in this age of technology.

  • Reply
    Amie
    April 15, 2016 at 7:39 am

    Great post. I dated a bit when Matthias and I were apart and had one other decent relationship during that time, but I met a lot of Duds and even paid for another guys rent while I was a student!! It was nuts. I think your an amazing person and I know that special someone is out there for you ❤️

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 15, 2016 at 8:15 pm

      Thanks friend! I know he’s around somewhere too. 😉

  • Reply
    Link Love 4/16 - Cowgirl Runs
    April 16, 2016 at 8:00 am

    […] The Thing About Dating <– this post is freaking spot on. Dating is 100% lacking in common sense. And why don’t I talk about it? Because there is absolutely nothing to talk about. […]

  • Reply
    Alison
    April 21, 2016 at 8:19 pm

    Such an awesome honest post. I kinda want to put it on a billboard for single men to read! Some VERY lucky MAN is going to come and sweep you off your feet and he will have hit the jack pot. You and Liam – now that’s a special duo. xoxo

    • Reply
      Becky
      April 21, 2016 at 9:08 pm

      Hahaha, yeah for sure. Every single man needs this little PSA. Thanks hun, you’re so sweet <3

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