I’m often asked about what’s going on in my dating life as it’s something I don’t mention on here. Or anywhere. In fact, can we just stop asking this? If something was worth mentioning, I’d mention it. Not a lot is going on, to be honest, however, I just finished reading Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance and thought that it was a good opportunity to talk about the book and my personal thoughts on the subject of dating.
Since becoming a parent, my expectations around dating have changed drastically. My standards are much higher and I’m way less tolerant of the games and BS and I know what I’m looking for without doubt. While I’m 100% happy with my little life with Liam, I’m definitely open and ready to finding someone to be my adult partner in crime too. I sometimes feel like I’m behind, being one of the few single people in my group of friends. It’s often left me wondering where I went wrong that I didn’t find someone sooner but I think I found some clarity on that while reading Aziz’s book.
Looking back in time, people married much younger than they are now, finding someone ‘good enough’ to begin their life of independence, away from their parents. Sure sometimes these relationships grew into lifelong love, but sometimes these people grew up into different people that just weren’t meant for each other and ended with divorce. These days, my generation is experiencing ‘early adulthood’, navigating post-secondary, starting careers and getting to know who we are before settling down. Knowing that, I don’t feel so bad being a little behind the rest of my friends. I spent my twenties going on some pretty cool adventures, meeting a ton of people, finding out who I am and what makes my soul happy, and best of all, becoming a mama. Sure I made some mistakes along the way and I may have missed the opportunity to date some great people during that time, but ultimately it led to Liam and I wouldn’t trade him for the world.
Now the hard part is navigating the dating world as a single parent. I don’t think dating is easy at the best of times but it’s especially hard when you have a tiny human to consider, your time is limited, you don’t know where to meet people, and you’re dealing with guys who just can’t figure out how to act. Fellas, it really shouldn’t be that difficult to score yourself a date with a fantastic lady. There’s plenty of amazing, single girls out there and a seemingly low supply of quality single men. Set yourself apart from the other dufuses (dufi? I’m not sure what the plural is there).
- Pick up the phone and ask me out. Yes, I mean like actually call and not text. No one actually makes phone calls anymore and I guarantee this extra effort will be exceptionally appreciated. Let’s just stop the text message conversation that lasts for weeks and go on that date.
- Make a real plan, not just a ‘hangout’. I hang out with my friends, so unless that is your intention, plan an actual date. Find something unique to do! The best date I’ve ever been on was setting off fireworks at a lake followed by drinks at a dive bar. It was so silly and simple but ended up being the most fun. And skip the dinner and a movie for the first date. You don’t get to talk to a person during a movie so save that for further down the road. The studies research for Modern Romance
proves that people that do interesting and fun activities have longer, more fulfilling relationships. Make sense to me, I’m an adventurous lady and would love an adventurous sidekick! I’ve ended relationships in my previous life (read: before kid) because we never did anything but watch movies. No. Just no.
- Be clear and honest with your intentions. Always. If you continually make plans to “hang out” and then I’m going to assume you’re just looking for a friendship and will, therefore, treat you as a friend. If you’re not feeling it after a couple dates, that’s cool but don’t ghost me. You will earn a lot more respect points if you’re just upfront about your feelings.
I mean, it’s pretty straightforward to me but man I have experienced some cringe-worthy things over the last couple years. Don’t even get me started on the ridiculousness of Tinder either. And no this isn’t where I go on a feminist rant about how Tinder is so superficial, blah blah blah. What happens when you’re out at a lounge? You scan the crowd and see if anyone attractive catches your eye, right? What makes Tinder any different? I’m so skeptical of online dating because from my brief experiences (I get Tinder, I have fun for a day or two and then I end up deleting it a few weeks later), no one actually jumps at the chance to set up dates. Modern Romance talked about dating apps being intended as ‘introducing services’ rather than ‘dating services’, because as much as I love social media, I don’t want my relationship to live on my phone. I want to find someone that I’m interested in meeting in real life and building a relationship in the real world. Doesn’t that just make sense?
The trend in this whole thing is that we’re just losing our common sense when it comes to dating. None of this should be difficult, yet here I am, group texting with my single lady friends about our dating woes, wondering why this is so damn difficult.
And now I leave you with the best quote from the entire book:
Have faith in people. A person may seem just okay, but if you really invest time in the relationship, maybe they’ll be greater than you assume.
Think about it in terms of the music of rapper Flo Rida. When you hear his latest song, at first you think, Goddam it, Flo Rida. You’re just doing the same thing again, song after song. This song is nothing special at all. And by the tenth time you hear it, you’re like, FLO!!! YOU’VE DONE IT AGAIN! THIS IS A HIT, BABY!!!
In a sense we are all like a Flo Rida song: The more time you spend with us, the more you see how special we are. Social scientists refer to this as the Flo Rida Theory of Acquired Likability Through Repetition.
If you’re single or at all interested in the social exploration Aziz has done, I definitely recommend giving this book a read. If you’re a dude reading this, I especially recommend giving this book a read and stocking up on that common sense.
Have you read Modern Romance? What were your thoughts from the book?
Single? Dating? How’s it going for you?
Interested in taking me on a date? Let’s chat!
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